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RIP Vince Jabber

I woke today to see a post from a friend on Facebook that read:

“Just found out that a good friend of mine, Vince Jabber has passed away. I’m just beside myself right now. You were like a little brother to me, and I can’t even begin to wrap my head around this. You left this world way too soon. I’ll never forget your quirkiness, and I can only hope that all of our deep conversations and the advice I had given you, helped you to feel better in your time of need, and brought you comfort. I feel absolutely horrible in hindsight that I wasn’t able to talk the last time you called me. Had I known it would be the last time I’d talk to you, I would’ve done things differently and made the time. It’s a painful reminder that tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us. I will never forget you and the friendship we shared. You were loved by many, and will definitely be missed. Fly high with the angels, little buddy. 😢”

I met Vince when he was living in a motel. I didn’t know at the time, in a year and a half I too would be living in a motel. One of the very ones that he too lived.

Vince was suffering from severe alcoholism and eventually went to rehab. He had relapses, but overall was doing very well. He had moved away and was in a relationship. I do not know his cause of death and have found no obituary yet.

He had a big interest in the serial killer Aileen Wuornos and would often make pictures of himself posing like her. She was an American serial killer who murdered seven men in Florida between 1989 and 1990 by shooting them at point-blank range. Wuornos claimed that her victims had either raped or attempted to rape her while she was working as a sex worker, and that all of the homicides were committed in self-defense. She was convicted and sentenced to death for six of the murders and was executed by lethal injection on October 9, 2002.

The quote on Vince’s Facebook page was taken from her and read “If You can’t be a good example, at least be a horrible warning.”

He was a troubled person, but I found him fascinating. He will be missed. RIP Vince.

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I Have Been Awake 29 Hours

I have been awake 29 hours and I am no where near going to bed. I am wide awake.

This is not a shock to me though. I woke at 1030am yesterday morning, then had 400mg of caffeine from 2 bottles of ice coffee. Later in the early evening I had two more bottles of ice coffee, so another 400mg. Then early this morning went to Dunkin Donuts and took in another 360mg worth of caffeine. About half an hour ago I went back to Dunkin Donuts and as of this moment I am ingesting another 360mg of caffeine.

While I am a little pale and a little jittery as well as having some visual disturbances from being awake so long I am ok. My brain is WIDE awake.

So, anyway I had added google analytics to http://www.brianlongo.com they gay cam site. I had talked about a chatroom I was in that had the link and was getting traffic. However, while watching the real time traffic all day I noticed it had a very high bounce rate and no one from there was staying on it very long. So, I am not bothering with the chatroom anymore, it is pointless.

I did sign up for pornhub and put the link to http://www.brianlongo.com in my profile there and have been leaving comments on videos there, which draws some traffic to my profile. The people that trickle in from there seem to be staying a lot longer than the people from the chatroom Hopefully, that will lead to some signups and more important some people who will spend money on the models working on the site, which means money for both of us.

Back to the coffee I am worried when I stop I am going to have a massive headache or something and also be very very tired for days. I guess I will find out.

 

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In My Quest For Traffic

In my quest for traffic today I set up an account on sex.com. I went through all my nude selfies and dick pics and went to a site that allows you to caption photos and added the link to http://www.brianlongo.com 

From there I uploaded the 24 pictures to sex.com in the hopes they are shared on there and pinned by other boards on there.

I then took my board link on sex.com and added it to 10khits, which as I stated before is mostly fake traffic, but it sends traffic directly to my sex.com account displaying all my pictures. Hopefully, someone will go to the site on them.

Then I saved the 11 best pictures to my phone which I will upload to Tumbrl tonight before I start my reblogging on there. I will probably add those 11 pictures every night for awhile hoping the get reblogged.

So, why did I use my own pictures? Well because watermarking pictures of others is against copyright and I was not about to pay for stock porn.

You would think all that wouldn’t take long to do, but it took hours. So, now I am going to rest, let new ideas come to me and watch lifetime movies.

 

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Back In My Usual Room

 

Back in my usual room. Now this motel room has the same purple wall. I am back with my large bed though, which I missed haha.

So, Tumblr banned the 3 new blogs I started. I sorta figured they would. Thankfully, they left my main blog. However, this left me with a situation of how do I advertise my straight girl cam site? First, I went to a few free dating apps, but those were quickly banned, that also was not surprising.

So, for now what I ended up doing to get traffic to my girl cam site is start two blogs on blogspot. My twitter that is already automated, is now also automated to make blog posts to one of the two blogspots I started, while I figure things out. The other blogspot is setup so that any time Drudge Reports tweets on their twitter account, it auto posts their tweets to the second blog. Both advertise the girl cam site www.Lisa666.com.

So, while I know these two auto blogs will not get me a ton of traffic, in time it will send a little. They link to adult material, so their is an adult warning before each before entering (mandatory rule from blogspot). Here is the two auto blogs:

https://camlisa666.blogspot.com

and https://brianlongo.blogspot.com

I am glad that Tumblr got rid of the other 3 blogs, my fingers were starting to hurt, but it still sucks some. However, like I said I am glad they left the main one that has 26,000 followers.

Before I reblog anything on Tumblr each day I post the following ad in hopes others on Tumblr share it:

 

(which, you can’t see as clearly when this blog resizes the picture)

That picture will generate hardly any traffic, but every bit counts…in time.

Now that I am done with a lot of this stuff I am moving on to think of other ways to make money and to drive traffic to my different sites.

I am still very much leaning towards not even bothering to get a car. I will talk a lot more about that later. I did speak with my ex bf Keith about things and my thoughts and he agreed with a lot of it.

I am very much just trying to really figure out what my long term game plan is.

By the way I have not been proof reading my blogs, so I am sorry about any errors and hope you can figure it out haha.

 

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Feel Like A Failure But Hopeful

I feel like a complete failure, but I am hopeful because I spent the past 24 hours really thinking about things. Why do I feel like a failure? Because when I was moved to my new motel room I decided while I was thinking about everything and formulating a plan in my head to get drunk and smoke the ecig.

I ended up going to bed and because it is a different bed than I usually slept with I woke with a painful neck and hungover. So, I took 200mg of Advil and 150mg of Zantac. Started smoking my ecig while I did yet another 1000 posts on tumblr. Then, because I have beer left I am drinking to finish it off. I only have 6 so that is the most I can drink. It is however only 1030am.

I emailed my ex boyfriend to tell him I will come to get my mail Tuesday. I was going to take the bus there today or Monday, but I am just going to wait till I move back to my other room when it is done being painted. My mail goes to my ex boyfriends house because I live in a motel, so I can’t really get mail here.

I have been saving soda and beer cans because NY has a bottle deposit. I finally had enough in deposit money to buy a full litecoin. So, I did that this morning.

I found a chat network that allows you to put a link to your website in your profile so, I added one of my gay cam sites Brian Longo dot com. Maybe that will give me some traffic.

I have been using 10kHits to generate some traffic to this blog, but I know its mostly junk traffic, however I noticed some people are real and I get some clicks in my store. Maybe one of those will generate a sale….eventually.

My goal for today is to finish these beers and once again go cold turkey on everything. Eventually I have to beat all this right?

 

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To Car Or Not To Car That Is The Question

This whole time I have been waiting to be able to get a car, but so many road blocks have been tossed up in my way. Between the car dealerships not being able to take checks and me not having a bank account locally to get that all important “cashiers check” that they need, that now I am beginning to wonder….why am I getting a car? Is it because I need one or is it because it is my anxiety disorder and my unwillingness to allow other to help me? Is it my fear of that embarrassing moment when I have to call an ambulance? My fear of being “trapped”?

I have teeth falling out of my head, literally. Buying a new car, plus dental makes me broke. I would soon face homelessness if I couldn’t find a job is that what I want? Why aren’t you buying a used car? Is it that you want the new car to get to FL to get to Keith? Shouldn’t you wait till he is more stable before you harm yourself financially to go to him? Maybe wait till you can live together with him on SSI or working and has his car back? What are you doing? Maybe letting your mental illness run you through fear.

Is there a rush to get a car right now? Can you pull this off without a car at the moment? Maybe the time just isn’t right. After all if he was in a stable place and you moved you could get a cheap used car there. You have put everyone and every thing before yourself forever…are you still doing that? Are you just not facing your fears?

These are the things running through my head. Again, I ran head on into minimalism, survived losing everything…can’t I survive this too? What if I had got a DWI and my car was taken from me for a few years? I certainly would have to deal with that and live. What if I should work on myself first, not only mentally, but take care of addictions before I make more choices that bring me closer to homelessness….again. Maybe work more on your businesses and future businesses to come where this type of choice doesn’t put you in a spot where it is a rush to not be on the street. Are you causing yourself more harm than good?

This is my mind. This is where I am. Only I can figure it out.

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In A Different Room

 

So, after a few days of waiting to see when my other room is going to be painted I was moved to this room today. I get to go back to the room I have been in since June of last year around Monday next week. I miss my room already because the microwave, heater, tv and fridge works better in the other room. I guess the room I am in now is brighter, but that is because it was just painted. When I return to my usual room I assume it will be brighter as well.

This is the downside to living in a motel. You are at the mercy of whatever they are doing. Back in Oct. I was out of my room all day because they were putting in new furniture. You are also at the mercy of who is staying at the motel, though I have been lucky nothing really crazy has happened and I have yet to have anyone so loud I couldn’t sleep. Oh and lastly this room has double beds, by usual room has one large one. I prefer that.

Yesterday morning, with everything else I have been dealing with one of my laptops died on me. It was old, but I was still upset because I use it every day. Thankfully, I have two laptops, so I had a backup. This morning however I got a warning that the new laptop was going to turn off from low battery. However, the laptop was plugged in. So, I changed outlets and it started charging. Then it occurred to me by other laptop wasn’t dead because it was plugged in that outlet as well. I plugged it in to a new one and my old laptop came to life. So, I am back to two thankfully.

At the moment I am having some mild mouth pain. I hope that goes away. I really do not need a major dental infection to start right now, esp with no car. I have all sorts of pain recently, mouth, right hand and fingers, upper back. Fun Fun.

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Things Continue To Go Downhill

Things continue to go downhill, but I continue to keep myself busy. I feel like a complete failure because I have been unable to get myself off nicotine and caffeine. You would think that I would stop since, both make me sick as hell, granted nicotine more so. Every day I make a promise, but the promise is never kept. The following day I go right back and break the promise. Yesterday, I had the equivalent to 20 cigarettes and stopped at 8:30am. I stayed nicotine free till 4am this morning. The lie was I will have less and I did. I had the equivalent of 14 cigarettes and stopped at 7:37am. I am trying to hold to that for today. I know I will have more coffee later. The lie is that I am doing so good on not inhaling nicotine, so the coffee is the reward. After all caffeine should be easier to stop. Alcohol has not been an issue to stop thankfully.

I live in a motel since June of 2017. They have decided to paint the rooms, so I have to move room temp, or maybe the next room is permanent, I don’t know. I have been all packed up and waiting to move rooms for 3 days now. I assume today is the day. Being all packed up makes it hard to live and I will be glad when this is over.

I still have no car, but that is because of the asshole car dealerships. They refuse to take checks and I have no local bank accounts, only online ones. So I spent last weeks walking around trying to open a local bank account and I did. Now I have to wait for all the new bank stuff to me mailed to me, link accounts and move money so I can get these fools a cashiers check.

I have had dental problems for a long time, most of my molars are gone and because of my severe anxiety disorder and money I have been unable to get them repaired. Now the very same day that I found out that they were going to paint the motel rooms a front tooth has broken in half. I have half a front tooth and no car to even see a dentist. I feel ugly. I felt ugly before only now dental wise as everything falls apart I feel worse about myself. Who is going to hire me like this?

Which brings me to the next point. Having no car prevents me from looking for jobs outside of my immediate surrounding. As it is any job I get will have to be Wed through Sunday I need Monday and Tuesdays off for the massive amount of dental appointments I am going to need and recover from, both physically and emotionally. Without a car and living in an area that has refused to let go of winter I have been eating like crap, it hasn’t been easy to get to the supermarket.

Another important issues with quitting nicotine and caffeine, besides it being a giant waste of money is it makes me a nervous wreck. Nicotine and caffeine just does not mix well with severe anxiety disorders. I already doubt my ability to hold a job with it.

In response to all this I have launched 3 new websites.   Lisa 666 a straight adult cam site, Gay429 a gay male cam site, BrianLongo another gay male cam site, and an affiliate site recruiting cam models called CamWorkersWanted.

My hope is over time they will bring in some money and so far they have bought in about $42. People have a habit of thinking that you make a site and money just flies in. It doesn’t. It takes a lot of hard work, esp at first. For example I have 4 Tumblr accounts one to promote each site. In total I do 1000 reblogs a day from my cell phone. My fingers hurt, but I know I have to do it. I also have links on 2 apps, grindr and jackd in hopes of a little traffic. And I continue to look into other ways to get traffic. My store on this site has made zero dollars and my amazon sales about $30 dollars a month. My paypal donations zero. So anyone thinking I am making a ton of cash it just is very far from the truth.

Anyway I am going to try to start writing more if anything to keep my sanity.

 

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Sorta Lost

It turns out that quitting real cigarettes and switching to an ecig (past 3 months) and quitting drinking isn’t as invigorating as one would think. I feel zoned out and like a different kind of junkie. For one I can’t get off the ecig. Every night I go to sleeping in my motel room, which I have lived in for 7 months now and tell myself that tomorrow will be different and I will finally bite the bullet and quit the ecig.

It isn’t like I have not made serious attempts. It is in part self sabotage. I feel I am not yet ready for the addiction to be over and for some reason I am still clinging to it. The other part is I simply do not want to suffer through it, esp in this isolation. Isolation because it is winter here in NY and it is not the usual winter this year. It is deep freeze winter. Plus, I have been keeping to myself and besides a few minutes here and there have not seen anyone since October (past 3 months).

The other reason why I feel like a different kind of junkie is since quitting smoking and alcohol my caffeine intake has skyrocketed. This wouldn’t be a problem for many people I am sure, only I have a severe anxiety disorder. Caffeine and anxiety disorders just do not mix. One would think I would stop doing that then if it is making my anxiety go off the charts, but I don’t, yet. Maybe I like to suffer. I am starting to think in a sick way maybe I do like it. After all I have a history of making very poor choices for myself in general and self sabotaging myself. I guess that isn’t fully true, maybe just in part. Otherwise, why would I really be trying so hard?

I have dropped so many people out of my life, toxic people. Only it turned out almost everyone in it was toxic. It isn’t like I didn’t know that they were. I knew. I just didn’t care. I was going along for the ride, even though I knew where that ride would lead. Again, self sabotage.

So, for now I am very isolated and alone. I hate it and I love it at the same time. Hate it because I am an actual person who needs, like any person to interact with people, but I love it because for the first time in maybe forever in my life I have no one toxic around me (At age 41). It is the most exhilarating and at the same time the most painful time in my life.

OK more later.