So, the Live Cam is off because I had to organize my room because the motel came to clean today. Also, the air conditioning unit started leaking last night, so I turned it off and it was hot in here. It is also raining quite heavy here today and possible thunderstorms later.
Here is some pictures of the rain and a bug hiding from it by my door.
The air conditioner isn’t fixed. They gave me a bucket to put under it to catch the water, which is fine with me as long as they know about it. He did say something about cleaning or switching the unit out at some point.
I didn’t really stay in my room that much last night because of the heat, so I sat at the picnic table for awhile texting my friend. I was bit by a mosquito and killed him soon as I felt him enter my skin. I told my friend I probably have West Nile Virus and Zika Virus now and how I will probably be the first adult to have my head shrink from Zika, then I went for a few long walks.
I have been awake since I think about 5pm yesterday. I plan on just staying up and going to bed tonight. I might also take the weekend off from the Live Cam. I sort of just want a little peace. It is strange at times to always be on camera, but it will be back.
I also toyed with the idea of sometimes facing it outside the bathroom window. I would love to face it out my front window towards the parking lot, but people might freak out. I am just unsure how the cam will look facing out the back window sometimes…..hmmmmm…
Anyway other than that nothing much is going on. I did for the first time in awhile feel lonely last night sitting outside, but at the same time I am in no hurry to bring people into my life sometimes because I have to really focus on me and get my act together. I am also in no mood to actually hookup with anyone at this time and real friends are hard to find. They either want sex or have some major issues. I have my own major issues and can’t take on other peoples at this time. No one is perfect, but people who really know me know I draw in some real winners.
Being alone for the past 10 months has really made me see myself a lot clearer and I do not fully like what I see. When you sit with yourself you really start to see your negative patterns, watch yourself repeat them and start to really notice fluctuations in your own thought process.
I said to someone recently online that it is weird because I really love myself, more than I should in some ways, but I also hate myself. I learned on some level I torture myself and definitely self sabotage.
I woke one morning recently with a weird clarity, like a part of me was peaking out from a fog I didn’t fully know I was in and thought “Shit, what have I done?” and the realization of how much suffering and effort I must now go through to fix it. I also had a quote in my head from Luka Magnotta, the Canadian Cannibal.. “If you don’t like the reflection, don’t look in the mirror. I don’t care.” He wrote that in blood on the wall of his Montreal apartment. No idea why that quote was in my head other than the fact that recently I have really started to see myself clearly.
Anyway I will write more soon because I have a few other things on my mind that I will share. 🙂