Things continue to go downhill, but I continue to keep myself busy. I feel like a complete failure because I have been unable to get myself off nicotine and caffeine. You would think that I would stop since, both make me sick as hell, granted nicotine more so. Every day I make a promise, but the promise is never kept. The following day I go right back and break the promise. Yesterday, I had the equivalent to 20 cigarettes and stopped at 8:30am. I stayed nicotine free till 4am this morning. The lie was I will have less and I did. I had the equivalent of 14 cigarettes and stopped at 7:37am. I am trying to hold to that for today. I know I will have more coffee later. The lie is that I am doing so good on not inhaling nicotine, so the coffee is the reward. After all caffeine should be easier to stop. Alcohol has not been an issue to stop thankfully.
I live in a motel since June of 2017. They have decided to paint the rooms, so I have to move room temp, or maybe the next room is permanent, I don’t know. I have been all packed up and waiting to move rooms for 3 days now. I assume today is the day. Being all packed up makes it hard to live and I will be glad when this is over.
I still have no car, but that is because of the asshole car dealerships. They refuse to take checks and I have no local bank accounts, only online ones. So I spent last weeks walking around trying to open a local bank account and I did. Now I have to wait for all the new bank stuff to me mailed to me, link accounts and move money so I can get these fools a cashiers check.
I have had dental problems for a long time, most of my molars are gone and because of my severe anxiety disorder and money I have been unable to get them repaired. Now the very same day that I found out that they were going to paint the motel rooms a front tooth has broken in half. I have half a front tooth and no car to even see a dentist. I feel ugly. I felt ugly before only now dental wise as everything falls apart I feel worse about myself. Who is going to hire me like this?
Which brings me to the next point. Having no car prevents me from looking for jobs outside of my immediate surrounding. As it is any job I get will have to be Wed through Sunday I need Monday and Tuesdays off for the massive amount of dental appointments I am going to need and recover from, both physically and emotionally. Without a car and living in an area that has refused to let go of winter I have been eating like crap, it hasn’t been easy to get to the supermarket.
Another important issues with quitting nicotine and caffeine, besides it being a giant waste of money is it makes me a nervous wreck. Nicotine and caffeine just does not mix well with severe anxiety disorders. I already doubt my ability to hold a job with it.
In response to all this I have launched 3 new websites. Lisa 666 a straight adult cam site, Gay429 a gay male cam site, BrianLongo another gay male cam site, and an affiliate site recruiting cam models called CamWorkersWanted.
My hope is over time they will bring in some money and so far they have bought in about $42. People have a habit of thinking that you make a site and money just flies in. It doesn’t. It takes a lot of hard work, esp at first. For example I have 4 Tumblr accounts one to promote each site. In total I do 1000 reblogs a day from my cell phone. My fingers hurt, but I know I have to do it. I also have links on 2 apps, grindr and jackd in hopes of a little traffic. And I continue to look into other ways to get traffic. My store on this site has made zero dollars and my amazon sales about $30 dollars a month. My paypal donations zero. So anyone thinking I am making a ton of cash it just is very far from the truth.
Anyway I am going to try to start writing more if anything to keep my sanity.