Sorta Lost

It turns out that quitting real cigarettes and switching to an ecig (past 3 months) and quitting drinking isn’t as invigorating as one would think. I feel zoned out and like a different kind of junkie. For one I can’t get off the ecig. Every night I go to sleeping in my motel room, which I have lived in for 7 months now and tell myself that tomorrow will be different and I will finally bite the bullet and quit the ecig.

It isn’t like I have not made serious attempts. It is in part self sabotage. I feel I am not yet ready for the addiction to be over and for some reason I am still clinging to it. The other part is I simply do not want to suffer through it, esp in this isolation. Isolation because it is winter here in NY and it is not the usual winter this year. It is deep freeze winter. Plus, I have been keeping to myself and besides a few minutes here and there have not seen anyone since October (past 3 months).

The other reason why I feel like a different kind of junkie is since quitting smoking and alcohol my caffeine intake has skyrocketed. This wouldn’t be a problem for many people I am sure, only I have a severe anxiety disorder. Caffeine and anxiety disorders just do not mix. One would think I would stop doing that then if it is making my anxiety go off the charts, but I don’t, yet. Maybe I like to suffer. I am starting to think in a sick way maybe I do like it. After all I have a history of making very poor choices for myself in general and self sabotaging myself. I guess that isn’t fully true, maybe just in part. Otherwise, why would I really be trying so hard?

I have dropped so many people out of my life, toxic people. Only it turned out almost everyone in it was toxic. It isn’t like I didn’t know that they were. I knew. I just didn’t care. I was going along for the ride, even though I knew where that ride would lead. Again, self sabotage.

So, for now I am very isolated and alone. I hate it and I love it at the same time. Hate it because I am an actual person who needs, like any person to interact with people, but I love it because for the first time in maybe forever in my life I have no one toxic around me (At age 41). It is the most exhilarating and at the same time the most painful time in my life.

OK more later.


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